Fixing the Economy

With all the debate about the best way of creating jobs, you would think that jobs are some abstract concept, like the elusive dark matter sought by cosmologists or the Higgs boson of particle physics. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I am elected president, I will solve the job creation problem directly and with little effect on the budget.

We will simply return to our roots as inventors and innovators, and build a machine that creates jobs. The State of Oregon has emphasized the importance of moving the clock back a hundred years so that people can earn good money operating machines on an assembly line making stuff no one needs. Our nation can follow this great state’s example and create something that is actually useful (jobs!) on an assembly line basis. The beauty of my plan is that the machines themselves will employ a lot of people, and therefore create jobs twice.

True, these job-creation machines may be expensive. I have already lined up no-bid contracts with a few of my major campaign contributors. But unemployed workers will purchase the jobs, thus supporting the cost of the program. There will be no need to increase taxes. In fact, my campaign contributors have assured me that if we further reduce their capital gains taxes, they will produce the job-creation machines happily at a cost of only $50 billion each.

There is more to my plan. Some “scientists” may disagree, but I firmly believe jobs occur naturally and are there for the taking. Some are buried deep in the ground, but companies like BP have a good deal of experience extracting resources like these. Others grow naturally in the forest, and with the elimination of some unnecessary environmental barriers, it will be possible to extract them for the benefit of society. Commercial fishing fleets can pick them up in nets, a major boon to that industry now that most fish are being driven to extinction.

I anticipate that we will even produce a jobs surplus. We will then be able to send many of them overseas in wars of adventure and defending the national interest. Some critics have whined that the “national interest” is another abstract concept, but patriotic Americans know that those critics are cowardly pissants. I will unveil my War on Weakness plan in the near future.

With strong leadership (provided by me), a spirit of bipartisan collaboration, American ingenuity, and incentivizing the private sector, I am confident that we can create these needed jobs now. It’s time to end the debate and get to work.